Aaaaaaaaarrrrrggghhh
I am a tiny, spiny, grimacing green eyed monster. I am so much inside myself these days that I seethe with envy over any and every expression of joy, connection, or contentment I see in those around me…I even found myself feeling jealous when having lunch with J_ today. Jealous of his grief, his youth, his resiliency, his stubbornness, his goddamn bobbing up and down like a cork in a turbulent sea. I listen to him grapple with the feeling of loss that comes with the death of a dream, and instead of empathy – instead, in fact, of the deep chortling irony that my lower brain puts forth, I feel eeeeeennnnvvy.
I want his hurt. I want his new love. I want his uncertainty and anger. I want the distraction of it all.
I am jealous of every other person’s life right now because in the moments between being busy, being asleep, and being a zombie in front of the interwebs, I am so fucking desperate not to be me right now.
Faced with something satisfying, an accomplishment, a dream – I’ve gone wild eyed and flailing. And then catatonic. And then, I could claw my own eyes out. Would rather, in fact, than use those claws to do “what makes me happy”. I can’t for the life of me figure out how to force or soak or downward dog these talons back into the hands that once made art.
Talk about pressure.
We’re having an exhibition.
I am excited and proud and overwhelmed and completely fucking paralyzed (in stuttering starts and stretches) with fear.
I need to let this toxic bullshit OUT.
Thanks for being here.
I get crazy jealous when people talk about a certain topic. I feel your pain. I can only repeat what has been said to me, and that is certainly less true of me than it is of you, that it’s only people who have so much talent, and such a rich intellect, that don’t believe it. You get jealous directly in proportion to what you have to give, and you are seriously gifted. The person who said this to me says that she knows she’s ready to work when she gets really bitchy.
p.s. When I think I can’t I think of you, paralyzed and so much better than me, and I do what little I can. Your creating presence, like now, though, is much more satisfying.
I’ll take the compliments as they are sorely needed at the moment, but you shouldn’t put yourself down! You are ambitious, perceptive, profoundly self-aware, very intelligent, and far too critical of yourself.
I’m glad that empathy for my floundering can provide some motivation when you’re stuck inside yourself…I’ll try to let some of that magic work on me!